My Plan for The Holidays

During Thanksgiving dinner, my son asked “So, what are the plans for the holidays?”  Here is my response:

“I am going to spend every last penny of my Louis Vuitton purse fund on gifts for you and your sister. I will put the Christmas tree up by myself as everyone runs for the hills every year when I pull out the boxes and magically reappears when it is all done. I will wrap all the presents and buy all the stocking stuffers even though you busted Santa years ago.

On Christmas morning, I will make cinnamon rolls while you open your gifts. After you are done, I will smash all the boxes and dig the dog out from the paper before I haul it to the recycling bin. I will then start making the monstrous meal you will scarf down without even a “Thank you”.  I will clean up the mountain of dishes while you are napping after your long morning.

After we eat, I will call my mother and receive a holiday guilt trip for not being with her for the holidays. Shortly thereafter, your father will call to tell me the child support check is no good because he overspent on Christmas gifts.

About 10pm, I will crawl exhausted on my knees to bed and give thanks to Jesus that he only celebrates one birthday a year.”

To which my son replied, “At least you’ll have fun watching us have a good time!”

Thanks, kiddo…

What are your plans?

10 thoughts on “My Plan for The Holidays”

  1. What about a few changes to the routine? Ideas:

    1. Put up the tree, put the lights on, then leave the ornaments next to it. Every time someone walks by, they need to hang at least one or two ornaments. Eventually, it will get done.

    2. Have everyone share the stocking stuffing. Here in our house, each adult takes one girl shopping, hands her a twenty with which she buys goodies for the other three of us. After dinner on Christmas Even, we all sneak around, trying to stuff stockings when no one’s looking.

    3. Buy the cinnamon rolls from the bakery. If that’s not good enough, at least make them a day in advance.

  2. If you start making the eggnog now, then buy rum, bourbon and brandy to add in, you should be well-seasoned by Christmas day…..

    Last year, I decorated the coat rack, ala Festivus Pole.. it was gorgeous and so easy!

    1. BWAHAHA! A Festivus Pole and spiked eggnog are just what I need to bring back my holiday spirit. great ideas!

  3. A lot of gin and tonic might help. I always hope for a trip to Australia, but since that never happens I have begun to shut down and transport myself mentally to faraway places. Psychologically speaking, I suppose they would call that “losing it,” which my kids believe anyway.

  4. Can’t wait until mine have kids of their own so I can go to THEIR house and fill them with sugar and make a mess of THEIR house then leave. I’ll go home to my quiet, sane home and SLEEP, while my grown children deal with their rowdy ones…oh and I’ll take my phone off the hook so they can’t call and complain! Pay back will be a bitch– ME! (although I can be that now, but I plan on being much worse in my older years!). ;-)

  5. where is that husband of yours in this scenerio? I know he can decorate a tree although he never did seem to like it : ) And make him call me on Christmas Day too so I can guilt him about not coming home for the Holidays!! I always reading your musings. you make me laugh! Hope you are feeling better

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